as a kid, i felt alienated by the people who looked just like me, they treated my nuance like it was a nuisance

• tyler, the creator, runitup!

i'm too lazy to press the shift key on my keyboard these days when typing anything other than an english essay for a teacher i don't even like in the first place. i feel like this first "blog post" is just me yelling into the void, someplace i can just speak with no repercussions. call it trauma dumping, call it "a bad way to cope with your feelings", i don't care. at a certain point, all of us have felt this way and i know damn well nobody will stop me from trying to make myself feel better.

over the past couple months i've realized that the world is a cruel and unforgiving place. throughout my life i've never had it hard financially or with a terrible home environment (at least, i try to convince myself this is true).

the only thing that can really leave a mark on me is my relationships with other people, and they have been a lot recently. i'm still in high school, and seeing people glorify the scars they have on their arms from cutting themselves "in the same place twice so it hurts more" gives me a bad feeling down my spine while just typing it.

i'm a big guy in comparison to other people i know, but i'm not a bully and i try to be nice to everyone i know regardless of what i think of them or vice versa. there's no place in this world for me to be mean to others when i know damn well there's probably a hundred other things that are hurting them at the same time.

although this kindness is backstabbing me sometimes. one of my senior friends who had just graduated told me that i try to hang onto people too long, i'm too welcoming to people who i shouldn't be. maybe this is something that i'm too naive to realize yet. sometimes i need to realize that playing the role i want to isn't the best idea in every situation.

i'm different than everyone else, there's nothing about me that i can claim makes me like everyone else i know. i don't have depression like everyone likes to claim they have, i don't fuck myself up on the weekends and i never do sleepovers and get boba with my friends at the mall during summer break. i didn't grow up doing these things, i never thought these were the things that made me happy. i've always loved building things with my friends in minecraft, learning to code, and reminiscing about memories i never had about an era of the internet i never got to experience.

i don't want to become the people who irk me, i don't want to have to hurt myself or other people just to feel something. i just want to be different in the sense that there's nothing different about me.